How can you tell...

lml
Does there come a point where it's impossible to distinguish between acceptance, and indifference?
And apathy?

...And, is one better?
\V/

Distillation

lml
Just thinking further about everything I'm screwing up academically.
I'm stubborn. I like being independent; I hate having to go to anyone for help or having to rely on other people.
I could probably handle any of these classes fine individually. I just can't sustain the willpower to match my stubbornness.
Have learned now, vowing to be the traditional study ghost next term. See, I do actually like doing the work; math, cool; physics, nice. Chem, I get sick of, but that's done now! Must just do this.
Thanks for listening; I swear I won't emote on here again at the very least until grades are in. Then maybe something more interesting (laser?).
\V/

Cake

lml
Right. Been realizing lately that I took too many credits.
I still refuse to admit it's not possible, ideally, for me to take a full courseload. I just know now I'm not disciplined enough to do so. Still haven't gotten that managing-time thing down yet. Probably going to really pay for it this term. Expecting to end with good grades in DE, will be happy getting a B in Physics again. Should pass Chem and Tour of the Solar System (both are not pass - no credit). Worried about balancing Multi out to above a C... same in Japanese, now.
Multi, I just fucked up; ignoring homework, being a week behind at one point. 9-am class, I ended up skipping about half once we hit matrix algebra. would still be fine if I did the practice on my own. Now have proven that just being within 15 feet of the book for 8 hours a day does not really make you know it.
Japanese, I usually play triage with vocablulary each unit; actually learn only a portion of that; work most of the rest out. Hasn't killed me in the past. Granted, isn't so good either... Well, now getting utterly messed up by scheduling and such. Really need to realize that exams are in around two weeks. Today, had a senior from ND shadowing me... he didn't have any work to do, so I got to balance finding things for him to do with doing all the fun stuff I've had to. So, I could/should have gotten alot more done Sunday... I studied for Chem, think it went okay. Beyond that, it was supposed to be a chance to get together with Jack and Krista and Jay, for a couple hours. Lost all sorts of time coming home, though; ride issues. Normal, for the most part. But only got Chem worked on - hate those online homeworks (have to do them sometime soon too!).
Monday - classes, try to work for a while, waiting to figure out when Will was supposed to show up. Rest of night, nothing productive. Well, no- lab report. Then, yay chem lab this morning, rushing to get stuff printed, extra homework done for Japanese. Interrupt for DiffEq, getting parking worked out. Work like mad getting the last changes done and my script/handouts for presenting - I volunteered to go first, as no one else was doing this.
So, the Japanese story of the day and explanation of the title: Rush and finish stuff, get to class by quarter after the hour - shit. Walk in, the room is silent, sensei is sitting at her deskl; I come in apologizing profusely, wondering just what I've interrupted. Second thought - the chapter 9 test - delayed from last Monday - is happening. Oh, what joy. ... nope. I mention my presentation, she looks confused now, and tells me there is not class today. Only a make-up session for homework, quizzes, etc. You're kidding me. Aagh! But, at least I do not need to present anything (Friday). Instead, redo kanji quiz. I still have one to do which I need to pass. I ask if there is a chance I can do the last one this Friday. (Today was listed in the syllabus as last day for make-ups, but granted, much of that's already been modified. In reply, I am told I need to be more forceful, more stubborn about things, asking less nicely. Will be able to do it then, but... yeah. Left clsas slightly confused, and contemplative. Passed paper plates of cake by a table by the door; since everyone else was about to be heading out. I ask if I should get rid of it... she says to go ahead, take it; it was from the previous class ( suppose someone made it for a presentation - the first section of JapII presented. ). So, I get warned about needing to be more forceful with academics/ making opportunities for myself... and then get cake for it. Ahh, mindfuck.
It wasn't bad cake.
I have grown into this manner, over time, whatever way: If I screw something up, I will try almost any route that will fix this. However, if I know I screwed up because I did chose to do something stupid, I will just accept blame for it being m fault, and take consequences. I really won't argue something that is my fault - I've seen many, many people do this, and it always irritates me. I decided I never would do that. Now I am coming to face 1), the fact that I have been doing reallly stupid crap alot, and its endangering my grades, reputation (at least, with myself), and sanity. I really should not have gotten here in the first place, but now, am told I need to learn to just fight for whatever it is I want. I hope i've explained this well enough for you to see the dichotomy; I'm zoning in and out here... in the RPI aircraft tower/ physics study room, blasting music, 9:50 at night. Came back from Japanese, got food, went and hid from people to try to do something that felt productive. Reread presentation draft, tried to start reviewing physics for the final. And, on last song (been here since around 5:30. Must be heading back soon. And early bed tonight, must do. nothing immediately due - will look over multi for a hour, do two Japanese homeworks, talk to Jay, and go to bed. Must at least demonstrate proper schedule I want to get in next year. And need to be working on resumee for Sikorsky, local lab work position dad sent to me. Must have these out by Wed/tomorrow. Summer work. It's good.
So next year I really have to resist taking all the courses I want. Doing Foundations of Analysis rather than Adv Calc - its later in the day. Also doing Intro to Logic - which happens at 6 at night, and is a humanities. Probably will do some papers for that. Should be avoiding losing that ability completely, though. Will put up with it.
And swearing that i really need to start A-ing stuff again. Definitely too late this year, but want to end with everything I can. Probably going to try hermiting till the end (only a couple weeks now >_<) Then, summer bio, and work (I hope), and back to here. Only, need to do better.
\V/