on my study of physics

lml

right; to explain the previous title (i lost this when rewriting):
I seem to have reached that point, be it of ennui or apathy or just hard realization, where those childhood dreams of becoming successful and doing great things finally fade away into realism and acceptance of a mundane role in society.
*sigh*
and the saddest part is that it doesn't even seem to hurt all that much... there's just a tired acknowledgement.

helfucdamnit, it's growing light outside. and again nothing is done. need to be done with school for a while.

and, now, about this title...yeah; I'd rather not do it at all, or come back in a few years, than be known for doing a crappy job of it.
That is all.

\V/

a child's dream

lml

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Have I said that? I feel like I have, though I have been saying it over and over again in my head these last few days, so it might just be the silent screaming echoes still fading away.

Science. Physics... astronomy. That is my love. There's no question there; I'm in love with the utter completely unfathomable vastness of what's out there. The feeling of looking into an abyss, and knowing there is no way in all creation to know everything there is to know, to see everything there is to see, ... that's the feeling I'll seek out and revel in, through exploration, reading, dreaming, even most often music.

But I don't know if I can set myself to "do science", research, teach, for the larger part of my remaining life.
//warning; angst density spikes here.

What's it accomplishing? ...this starts to be where I get into trouble.
I'm already "past my prime". Effectively. It 's true... there are many, many others brighter, more creative, more driven, who will accomplish the great things of the next generation, and beyond. I'm sure some of them are already well on their way there. And I've been in a slow sliding decline, just inexplicably getting less interested in sticking with things. I assume this is a sign that I am unhappy with what I am doing (studying this), that there is (hopefully) something more fitting for me. Or, something I can do to keep myself pushing through. So I'm trying to make the decision of where to go from here.
Changing majors? Highly likely. Schools? I really hope not... I love the place, and the people, and much of the spirit here. But I'm not keeping up with what I should. Taking a term, a year, off? Maybe... it's been on the front of my mind. But, to do what? Other classes, at UNH? Work? Volunteer away somewhere?

...
deciding.
So many opportunities I've already screwed up with, or ignored, or just let pass by, I don't want to be rash about this. But just the same, I don't want to keep scraping through here the way I have been.

Among ideas of what else to do...
picking something that just builds off what I do well; not conceptual thinking, or mathematical juggling, but problem solving, projecting; something in engineering.
Something that will directly help people, let me feel like I am doing some good somewhere. In contrast to the (slightly) selfish pursuit of science... would be leaving the career in that to the many people who are stronger in it that I.
Perhaps coming back to it sometime in the future... or just pursuing as my own interest.
Or, there's the thought of some sort of information managing. Would it be an IT field? ... that doesn't seem quite the thing. Compsci? Journalism? ... foggy here.
Union of research, finding things that exist, but are hidden... searching through the web, print libraries, through people... I have that tendency to keep pursuing a task until it's finished or I am told to let it go; it seems that would come in useful. Archivalist of some sort? Who knows. But maybe that's the path... just to find what it is, now.

Anyway, letting this go for now. Have to finish work... and it's, well, early. Had to empty my head, until the weekend at least.

\V/