Resolving thoughts

lml

Home now; unpacking, sorting stuffs, looking for a job. It's a nice, relieving feeling to be able to use a bathroom or walk around barefoot without having to look everything over suspiciously. Now just comes the part where I get settled in again and, probably, start cleaning things out so, one, i can fit all the stuff I brought home around here, and two, so I have less to bring back and forth. Other goals I have for the summer (and hopefully will actually accomplish), outlining/ reviewing the whole calc book (to make up for lack of thoroughness and stuff I may have forgotten or missed or never learned in AP, CalcII, and multi), starting to run - daily would be nice, but just starting the habit to begin; getting a job and saving up at least enough to run my debit expenses for a year off; various projects, including messing with chain mail and duct tape for construction, a couple papercrafts, and more. Yeah, should be lots of busy fun ^_^
Drove home Friday with Jay, parents also took a car full of stuff. We took a sort of detour, down route 20/10/various non-interstate roads. This probably added a good deal of time to the ride, but this turned out to be fine. We got to deep-talk for much of it, much about her emotional sensitivities. To non detail, she is generally tuned in to the levels of emotional energy people broadcast; this both helps and hinders social interactions, making individual contact often more in-tune, but large groups tend to act like sources of interference or static do to sensitive devices - create poor behavior and causes various levels of confusion.l She's the same; too many people on energhy highs - or even, just sending complex signals - tend to irritate and confuse her, and unbalance her own levels. As we talked through this, putting pieces of the past and present together, she began to see that her sensitivities seem to follow the levels of awareness - governed, perhaps, by neural chemical levels, or the equivalent: stimulants such as caffine and chocolate, and even sugar, tend to heighten both physical energy and mental sensitivity, sometimes pushing her towards craziness; conversely, depressant effects, like alcohol's, numb this outer sensitivity and give her the chance to relax more completely. It's this feeling, the chance to let go of things more than just casually, that she found is the consequence of getting a slight buzz from drinks.
And, that's the answer to what always comes to my mind when people talk about getting drunk or going out to drink: why do you? Here, it's because it takes off this edge of emotion that otherwise she has difficulty blocking out. It makes sense, and works; she's careful of limits, and trusts the people around, which I see as basically the two critical things for any situation.
Talking during the ride also threw more light for me on Chris. Indeed, I'm worrying less; whether it's simply from the confirmation in hearing from her about him, or in what we actually said. Yes, she sees that he could be dangerous in the light I saw, but there's a trust, and a unique, curious friendship between them. It's also reinforced by the fact that, based on the revelations of the night, his company provides a psychological relief - being straightforward and aggressive as he is, he projects plain, unconvoluted emotional signals - in contrast to being around certain or many people. So, he is still in the 'dangerous' pile mentally, but not in the 'danger!' one now. Is good ^_^
(Jay - feel free to tell me to stop scribbling on and on here about you &/r your friends. <3) And now, off to sleep, attempt to metnally screw with the allergies, pick up a textbook, call nancy, and jobshop again tomorrow! さよなら！
\V/

Thoughts on the Last Night of College

lml

So, this is the last night of my freshman year. My room surrounds me, exploded contents of each drawer adorning each free surface. Music on shuffle, playing through the various tracks I've downloaded since getting here, along with some of the CTY dance mix. Half-packed boxes across the floor, calculus book on my bag, silently hinting I should be practicing that rather than this, but both will have to be done. Occasional texts from Jay; she's got more time to pack, we won't be picking her up till tomorrow afternoon.
I got to spend last night with her; never got to randomly show up during the week while classes were in session. Made it there just as she got out of work, hung around outside and talked with Cat and Chris and ourselves. Chris - another freshman at her college, member of martial arts club, teaches a self-defense class via past training weekly. They've recently begun running into each other and hanging out after said work. Cat - upperclassman, friend of Jay/ her dance partner for swing, ballroom club.
It's rare that I take less likeing to someone after meeting them in person; generally, I might be mildly sketchy or paranoid towards someone, but am put at ease after meeting them. Chris is turning out to be an exception. Granted, I'd met him once before, in the fall, at a seminar with a few other people from Jay's mArts club; no specific reaction there. Now, though, I've hung out with the club at a picnic the past weekend, and was around Chris again last night together. Not solely through being around him, but from hearing how he interacts with Jay, I'm developing a suspicious towards him. It's not a fidelity question... she hangs out with guys commonly(Alex, who she works on physics with, only vaguely registers a special mark on radar). He broadcasts as over-energized, more than slightly dangerous; doesn't seem to play-fight at other people's level - bruises from martial arts sessions are common for her... granted, from more than just one person there. Hearing that he's learning to push Jay to limits, over inanities in casual conversation, for a fight doesn't help that impression, either. But she's comfortable enough to keep hanging around him. And, I don't have anything concrete to say, just feelings; as I said, it's only the third time I'd been around him in person. The fall might show changes... for now, I don't feel that I really can say anything... " I don't really trust him... I don't like the feeling he gives off" doesn't feel like a fair comment I can make to her.
I've been not-so-suddenly realizing Jay's really stressed about returning home. She likes being independant; even given how her parents operate, at least her mother still stresses her. I've been told she doesn't like me a whole lot; various reasons, nothing that honestly bothers me. But, she also is of the opinion that many months/ a year is long enough for her daughter to be going out with the same person, and is voicing this to Jay. Grrr... if she continues this all summer there, a climax will pretty certainly be come to. To aggrivate the moving home, losing so much independance is my parents' veto of Jay and my idea to simply rent a moving van and driving our stuff home. One vehicle, one long drive, no return trip needed. But, they aren't comfortable with us driving it, so it took us another week to get a alternative plan set. Those, and scheduling, are just accumulating on Jay. At least once this week she's joined in drinking with people; lightened to her level, but it's a change I wasn't expecting. She's not bothered by it, which is good, and good enough to stop me from at least actively worring. Considering all this, I can understand it, i think, but is still not something I'm used to hearing.
*sigh* I'm anxious to see how things settle in over the summer. We both will hopefully be working, and taking a summer class/ two. Then there's the change of living with parents again. And having all friends (sans college) back around; cheers at that. So much time to make up for.
Aaand it's 4:30 now, and my room is completely packed minus computer, sheets, some foodstuffs. I have an exam in seven hours, should be up in five. Need to shower, and get off this.
Right, I did say I wouldn't blargh-blog before grades, at least: I have a confirmed 'B' in both Japanese and Physics; good stuff. Content with this in physics (talked with our instructor, - may be tutoring for credit, no funds for TAs, next term - he said he only pulled a 2.something himself as a freshman), and happy to land that in Japanese - was expecting something a bit worse. Waiting on (passing) Chem, and maths. *crosses fingers*
*uncrosses fingers, showers, glances over math notes, falls asleep*
Till home again, \V/
\V/