To inspire humanity

lml

Just a story I've read out there on the internet; I can't help but think I've read it before. Still, it cues up some tears... both for those who would give this ride, and for the woman living her last night like this.

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. It was a cowboy's life, a life for someone who wanted no boss. What I didn't realize was that it was also a ministry. Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick four-plex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some party people, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory in the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under such circumstances, many drivers just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she asked.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Can you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice."

I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening. "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware . . . beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

Author unknown

\V/

on my study of physics

lml

right; to explain the previous title (i lost this when rewriting):
I seem to have reached that point, be it of ennui or apathy or just hard realization, where those childhood dreams of becoming successful and doing great things finally fade away into realism and acceptance of a mundane role in society.
*sigh*
and the saddest part is that it doesn't even seem to hurt all that much... there's just a tired acknowledgement.

helfucdamnit, it's growing light outside. and again nothing is done. need to be done with school for a while.

and, now, about this title...yeah; I'd rather not do it at all, or come back in a few years, than be known for doing a crappy job of it.
That is all.

\V/

a child's dream

lml

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Have I said that? I feel like I have, though I have been saying it over and over again in my head these last few days, so it might just be the silent screaming echoes still fading away.

Science. Physics... astronomy. That is my love. There's no question there; I'm in love with the utter completely unfathomable vastness of what's out there. The feeling of looking into an abyss, and knowing there is no way in all creation to know everything there is to know, to see everything there is to see, ... that's the feeling I'll seek out and revel in, through exploration, reading, dreaming, even most often music.

But I don't know if I can set myself to "do science", research, teach, for the larger part of my remaining life.
//warning; angst density spikes here.

What's it accomplishing? ...this starts to be where I get into trouble.
I'm already "past my prime". Effectively. It 's true... there are many, many others brighter, more creative, more driven, who will accomplish the great things of the next generation, and beyond. I'm sure some of them are already well on their way there. And I've been in a slow sliding decline, just inexplicably getting less interested in sticking with things. I assume this is a sign that I am unhappy with what I am doing (studying this), that there is (hopefully) something more fitting for me. Or, something I can do to keep myself pushing through. So I'm trying to make the decision of where to go from here.
Changing majors? Highly likely. Schools? I really hope not... I love the place, and the people, and much of the spirit here. But I'm not keeping up with what I should. Taking a term, a year, off? Maybe... it's been on the front of my mind. But, to do what? Other classes, at UNH? Work? Volunteer away somewhere?

...
deciding.
So many opportunities I've already screwed up with, or ignored, or just let pass by, I don't want to be rash about this. But just the same, I don't want to keep scraping through here the way I have been.

Among ideas of what else to do...
picking something that just builds off what I do well; not conceptual thinking, or mathematical juggling, but problem solving, projecting; something in engineering.
Something that will directly help people, let me feel like I am doing some good somewhere. In contrast to the (slightly) selfish pursuit of science... would be leaving the career in that to the many people who are stronger in it that I.
Perhaps coming back to it sometime in the future... or just pursuing as my own interest.
Or, there's the thought of some sort of information managing. Would it be an IT field? ... that doesn't seem quite the thing. Compsci? Journalism? ... foggy here.
Union of research, finding things that exist, but are hidden... searching through the web, print libraries, through people... I have that tendency to keep pursuing a task until it's finished or I am told to let it go; it seems that would come in useful. Archivalist of some sort? Who knows. But maybe that's the path... just to find what it is, now.

Anyway, letting this go for now. Have to finish work... and it's, well, early. Had to empty my head, until the weekend at least.

\V/

Slice of a moment

lml

In Union, making last-minute notes for Data Structures.
Did a hack with Dan tonight; look around.
Planning out how everything between now and friday afternoon is getting done.

Music: "I Want To Save You" - Something Corporate
Good stuff.

\V/

Resetting sleep schedule

lml

Up till almost 6 saturday morning, and then till 7:30am sunday, am just staying up through classes today, and a pair of advising meetings after; no tango, so sleep at 4 is completely justified <_<

Also catching up on friends' blogs, new zombie webcomic, and music... sure, there's a lab report in there somewhere, but it's taking its time.

I have to really ... really... start doing work.

Started thinking more. Could be dangerous...
Why do we try to learn about people? like, get to know their past, their motivations?
I suppose part is to be able to predict their thoughts; do we really try to understand their actions that much? Why do we make it so important to us?
//not attacking this at all, I've just suddenly started looking at all sorts of things from an outsider's perspective.

Also, I should find out what I am missing in keeping my mind balanced. Missing going to Church / falling out of touch with my spirituality? Not actually getting a balanced diet? Early stages of going crazy? Needing more sleep? - I have no idea. These are the usual suspects, though.

*shrug*

I keep on plowing ahead, even realizing I'm not too sure what I want to be doing after RPI; not entirely sure even if I am doing the right thing now.
But that is what is expected, and I have no better plan, except fantasies of such.

So, till I say otherwise, here I am. Off to play more with the Biot-Savart law.

\V/

I have a superiority complex, and lack of life direction.

lml

Going to stop myself from using long words here. And from going on and on forever.
Jay and I have been struggling with the question of where our relationship is going. See, she's attracted to women, not men. And yet we're not broken up over it, in either sense. But still, that doesn't seem to leave any clear path for the future. She has had other girls she's considered dating too, and so far I haven't found myself having any sort of misgivings over that. But I get the feeling that my not seeking another relationship is bothering her, in some way. As far as i can feel, I'm not just binding myself out of monogamy; *removes relationship with Jay* , not really seeing myself in any different a situation. Traveling less... heh, that's about it. Not having someone to cuddle up with on the weekends. I really don't go out to find a girlfriend; I tend to hit that I'd-like-to-date point in getting-to-know-someone ... usually over a long time. And, those are usually, at least, i feel, hopeful for some steady relationship, not hoping just for casual nights out. I don't know how I'd feel with a relationship like that, or how to find a person who would have similar intentions. And I suppose one response to both of those would be, just try it.
And, yes... this all is probably much more helpful talking right with Jay... working on that now...
//Title has no significance to post, other than that is what this was originally going to be about. Later.

\V/

Fuzziness

lml

So, to balance out the previous post... random fun-stuff posting.
http://samandfuzzy.com/1127
The current Sam and Fuzzy storyline (I just got back to reading them regularly, catching up now) is parodying Twilight. And is quite funny. I am especially liking the Q&A sessions. To quote from some:

"I'm now curious what your feelings on Twilight are, since you're doing
a spoof on it now. Spill it (information, not blood)!" -Raynald

I have never read more that two consecutive words of Twilight. And I'm not gonna.

Consider Edwin a parody more of decades of wanky vampire goth romance than of its most recent iteration specifically. That's probably why Edwin looks more like a normal vampire with actual fangs, unlike the vampires in Twilight who don't have AUGH WHY DO I EVEN KNOW THIS?

// I have these AUGH moments about Twilight, too. And, as I will be happy to tell people, went from "I'll read it before I join in the funmaking" to "The end was the word 'sparkle'".

"So a correction for the latest round of Q&A. Kraze tried to point out an
inaccuracy with the swords that the Ninja Mafia use, stating that real
ninjas used katana. This is only partly true. Ninjas arose from peasants
and farmers with samurai being the preferred upper-crust warrior class.
This means that a ninja could not afford to have a katana made for him and
instead equipped himself with shorter, straight swords. These swords were
cheaper, easier to conceal, and were used in more of a stabbing motion
rather than the hacking swing of a katana. However, there were a few
instances where a ninja could acquire a katana. If he killed a samurai he
could claim his sword, and I wouldn't be surprised if a ninja performing
services for a samurai was equipped with one, as katanas were sharper and stronger. So, the blades used by your ninja mafia are actually fairly
accurate. Not that you needed an excuse, but now you have one!" -Steven

I'll take it! And thanks to the tons of other folks who also wrote in to defend my completely unintentional accuracy. Apparently there are a lot of sword experts in the audience.

//I actually looked back after reading the original 'inaccuracy' post, and also noted that the swords appeared to be what I have seen called koga swords, or commonly, ninja swords. I am highly amused about the flood of folks who also made this observation, and informed Sam.

In other fun things, I have noms! =^_^= Took a plate of really good hors d'oeuvres from the dining hall before aikido, and found they were indeed good enough to eat cold. Happy moment :) And all of them were vegetarian, too. More goodness.
And, finally ordering my memory wire; ended up just ordering through Amazon. Found a store with it cheap enough in lengths I can use for testing, ordering the beta supplies now, and will decide if the thickness is usable, or if i should bump up for the project. As a side note, they also have springs, o-rings, and metal tubes (materials necessary to Angel-breech-mod a nerf gun).
So, fun hijinks ensue. Hopefully on campus, too; wish i could round up a group of building hackers... have run into it in conversation enough over the last week that it may be reality (uber-happiness) ^_^!

\V/

Stream-of-consciousness

lml
In short, the sum of the last week or so. In longer, possibly several years of psychological rambling...
I started off the day today by sleeping through both of my morning classes.
One of the downsides of being able to hide anything if you truly want to is that people will actually see nothing if you don't let it get through.
I occasionally (read, over the last year or so) wonder if I'd test as being clinically depressed.
Don't like the idea that what you think and feel and act like being you isn't how you would be ideally. Who defines ideally? It must be someone's ideal... who's to say you aren't the way you're supposed to be just as you are?
By that train, could anything be considered perfectly natural? Is it what the majority of people are like? But, people are different. The majority in similar life situations? Saw a statistic over the weekend that approx. 50% of students at S. college exhibit one or more of the symptoms of depression.
Feeling of inferiority? That comes out pretty often.
Dissatisfaction with current situation? On occasion? More like, general restlessness.
have I been looking for a psychological disorder for years as an explanation (excuse) for lack of willpower? slight OCD traits, jokes about how many of us show ADD, depression as reason for lack of motivation,
I made the lucky discovery of a random CD at Goodwill this weekend; was music you would play for a night among the stars, similar to the Homeworld soundtrack; the book Contact names the feeling I think I share as numinous. In the moment, it seemed that music, which prompts that emotion, can nullify some of my introspective downward spiraling. Thinking back, it feels like it should have only made it worse. Interesting.
One of the only songs I've connected to in every moody moment I can remember since before starting at RPI (probably since I heard it at the CTY dance/reunion) is Mr. Brightside, by the Killers. not just liking it and using it as distraction, but the feeling of empathy with the speaker. Which is ... odd? I have never been in that situation; at least, I've never been with a girl who left me for another guy.
Yes, Jay is polyamorous; there have been other girls she's admitted mutual attraction to, and gone out with. But, both of them (at least, M; things ended with W before it became more than a potental, I think) I met, and found I could not only get along with, but might have made friendships in other circumstances. And still, I can't connect any feelings of dislike or betrayal or even jealousy with them.
Funny that what everyone seems to think was the most worrisome part of the weekend - getting kicked in the head... my bad - is one of the things that matters the least to me.
Some of the abilities I fear would be considered signs or warnings or symptoms by a diagnosis are things I find I highly value about myself; being able to disconnect from a situation to go along with something, to cloak thoughts and feelings, ...
And, watching Watchmen (especially while introspecting) is :not: a good idea for me, for future reference. all the fun stuff starts surfacing, mild hate of humanity, desire to avenge against rapists, abductors; frustration at injustices not getting unpunished, and the whole works... yeah, it gets fun when it starts resonating...
might it almost be considered inhuman to feel like you can just tell yourself to let everything go and to accept everything
and a phone call, and I'm immediately more stable.

I guess one of the biggest fears is that I'm pushing myself away from being dependent so far that i'll just lose it at some point and snap back...

Another day's worth;
have had the lingering uneasy, unbalanced feeling on and off all week. thought it had gone away by Wed. still comes back now and again.
It's slowly becoming apparent to me that i have a feeling of missing an overall purpose. this is why i hang around friends who are starting projects, paying as much attention as i can to extraneous talk with professors, and such. i'm looking for something to do that actually matters. and i suddenly don't feel like SYWTBAW's Dairine Callahan admitting this, though I don't have a wizardly laptop to guide me to where I can actually do this... but interestingly enough it hasn't yet pushed me down the path of panicking to find a summer job or internship or research project. I can't tell why I'm not onto that yet.
I feel like I do my living in the present, and it hits me slowly that I make few long-term plans for the future. I hear my friends deciding where to go after college, or what company to intern with...
\V/